The real winners aren't the plebs with the oversized cheques...

You’ll think me crazy, but I spend £24 a month on not winning the lottery. Of course, I’m not alone. In millions of other people didn’t do the self-same thing, there wouldn’t be millions to win, and the Camelot board wouldn’t spend several hours a day laughing at us and counting their money.

Why do I spend £312 a year on essentially nothing? Because the one week I don’t will be the week my numbers come up. This is exactly the reason everyone else plays it week in, week out. Fear of remaining poor and having to work to pay for stupid shit like lottery tickets and food.

It gets worse. A few times a month I buy a scratch card in the hope I can win a decent wedge of £100,000. 

I keep saying to myself ‘all I want is 15 or 20 grand so I can be debt free and have some quids in my back pocket’ knowing full well that if I did win something like that, I’d go ‘shit! Why couldn’t it have been the 100k?!’.

I don’t tend to win much playing the lotto. I’ll get the odd few quid back, but generally I piss that away too.

I won £6 on the eurolotto the other week.  

‘What the hell’ I think and buy 6 £1 scratchcards.

I won £5.

‘What the hell’ I think, and purchase 5 £1 cards.

I win £2 and £5!

‘What the hell’ I think. 7 £1 cards for me!

This time I win £10 and £1.

‘What the hell’ – 11 £1 cards pass my way.

£2 and £1 this time.

Bums. Then again ‘what the hell!’.

Three cards, one wins £2.

Two cards gets me £1.

My last card. What do I get?

Nowt.

Good story though. After all, what else would I have spent the original six quid on? Two pints? Couple of pizzas? Put it towards next months’ lotto tickets?