Meet my old bank manager.
He’s not a pretty man, or a funny man, or as, far as I know,
a gentle lover. But he’s very good at what he does. Or rather did. So good the
government itself wanted his help.
His name is Bob Diamond.
I have to admit that I'm actually a bit of a fan of The Diamond
Geezer. All he really tried to do was make me some money. Well, me, his
shareholders and himself some money. If that leads to me getting better rates and entirely
incidentally a juicy bonus for him come payday, so be it!
I'm sure St Bob didn’t think too much about yet another
bonus though- after all, he’s had £100 million in a decade and half. He only
did what any other fatcat banker would have done (and probably has in the
past). He, like Jimmy Carr, is a victim. The poor guy just got found out. Could happen to anyone.
If I was in Jimmy’s shoes, I’d have
done the same thing; I slog for years earning shite-all and getting bummed for
tax, then suddenly one day me and my lovely sexy talent is earning millions –
and the tax man wants some? Where was he when I – special, special me – I needed
him? Screw him! I'm moving my wedge to Guernsey.
No, if I was worth millions I’d not let David Cameron near a
single penny if I could help it. He can’t even keep track of his eight year
old, what the hell would he do with my money? Spend it on pointless stuff like running races and new hats for the
Queen?
No wonder our deficits’ not shrinking. Cameron probably left
this year’s tax receipts in Pret A Manger and is too embarrassed to go back for
it in case he’s left a relative there.
Thank god he’s not chancellor- he can’t even count his kids.
Having said that, seeing as who is chancellor, maybe we’d be better off. One of George Osborne's first jobs was re-folding towels for feck's sake. The eldest son of the Baronet of Ballentaylor, and that's the best he could manage. And later, he ended up in charge of all the money in the country. Wow.
Hey, seeing as I’m on the government and my mate Bob is currently
between positions, how about we make him Prime Minister?
After all, he showed in his last job that he’d only think of
the people he was working for.
Regardless of the law or fairness, we would come
first with him. Us and his wallet. But mainly us. Probably. Maybe.
So what if he sold the Shetlands to Al Quaida? We don’t need
them, but we do need terrorists' money (wouldn't be the first time we took some either)! We could go the USA and trade the north-sea
oilfield for Hawaii (which would be in Mr Robert Diamond’s name, just for
safe-keeping). If we need oil, we can just keep buying it from those nice OPEC
people... who were last seen giving our new PM Ferraris for some unconnected reason.
Then he can sell the rest of the NHS to Richard Branson for a bag of peanuts
and some empty promises. Then for a finale he could make sure people who in the past earned, lets say, £100 million or so never have to pay tax again (after all,
there’s not many of them) and make the rest of us who haven't had the foresight to earn that pay
much more tax to cover the shortfall (after all, there’s lot of us). In fact, we could just give them
lots more money for being just so amazing and better than us.
Oh hang on, that’s the tories isn’t it?
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